


as the soft walls eat us alive

by avio



Series: Avio's 30 Prompt Kiyoyachi Challenge! [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abstract, Anxiety, Dreams, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Poetic, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-19
Packaged: 2018-12-04 01:57:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11545056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avio/pseuds/avio
Summary: day 6: Yellow Light by Of Monsters and MenHitoka has an anxiety attack, a really, really bad one, and Kiyoko takes her into a dream where she can be safe.





	as the soft walls eat us alive

**Author's Note:**

> i'm going to warn you right now that this is a bunch of poetic bullshit that i absolutely adored writing i have to say this is my absolute favourite so far. try not to think too hard on it like... just let it happen.   
> goal: 1657  
> i'm so happy i got to write for this song, and i did my best to convey how this song makes me feel when i am having an anxiety attack, or when i can't sleep thanks to said anxiety.   
> Yacchan is a character i relate to a lot, and i'm sure if you've been following along w me you'll notice i give her some telling quirks relating to her anxiety (stimming/fidgeting fingers and stammering/stuttering), which is based off of my own anxious stims. so it felt pretty therapeutic to write this for her ;u; i love Kiyoko being a supportive kind gf who wants to do her best for Yacchan ;__; <3  
> i promise listening to Yellow Light while reading this would only enhance the experience but you certainly do not have to!  
> this is the second fic i've written w Kiyoko taking care of an anxious Yacchan but this one is waaayyy like... deeper and means a lot to me. i hope you enjoy it <3

 

For Hitoka, the world was often moving too quickly, so quickly that it overwhelmed her, despite how hard she tried to keep up with it. This always resulted in clumsiness and disorientation, a fear that she missed something, that she's not reading people correctly, that she was actually unloved, that everything she did was wrong, that everything she assumed to be true was completely incorrect. The world moved far too fast, and her heart beat far too fast, and sometimes – maybe not always, but sometimes ( _a lot of the time!!!_ ) – she just wanted _(needed needed desperately needed)_ it to--

\-- _ **stop**_.

_?_

_**open your eyes** _

She came to with a gasp, finding herself in-- in the ocean? A lake? Some kind of body of water, where she stood, knee-deep. It wasn't too bright – her vision was clear but the sky was so very dim, calm clouds quiet above her. The water and everything else was completely still, the only movement around her as it trembled around her skin in response to her too-fast pulse, each beat a tiny wave humming over the water's surface. The temperature was cold, icy, but it did not bother her somehow? It was okay. It was a little scary, all truth be told, but somehow... it was okay.

_**i stopped the world for you** _ _._

_Oh, thank god, thank god_ , she needed that. It was too much to bear, sometimes, when her always-moving fingers ( _always always always moving)_ got a little too unkind with her skin, scraping it until it bled, because there was _too much way too much happening and it made it so hard to breathe._ She didn't quite remember where she was before this moment, but she knew that it had left her terrified and out of breath, and she could feel the itch of tears around her eyes, the sniffle in her nose, the panic in her chest.

But where was she?

_**safe.** _

_safe? Are you sure?_

It was so hard to be sure, because the only things she was every actually certain of were negative, bad, that she's _an awful terrible person who doesn't deserve friends they all secretly hate her anyways and she's nothing but a burden to her mother how could she be safe when she was always always panicking, always wrong, always Bad??_

_**safe, i promise!** _

_**hey, open your eyes.** _

Oh, she had closed them again. Tightly, at that, the familiar terror had started to take hold of her once again.

When she opened them, Kiyoko stood before her, expression so patient and loving it made Hitoka's heart ache. Kiyoko held out her hands, a gesture that was certainly meant to mean for Hitoka to take them.

Her smile was so genuine and beautiful when she did, squeezing Hitoka's hands before carefully pulling them.

_**follow me. it's all right here. you're going to be okay. please breathe for me.** _

_oh._ The air here was good, something pure about it that was calming Hitoka's nerves. She took a few deep breaths, eyes locked with her girlfriend's.

It was starting to get darker; Hitoka could only really see Kiyoko, glowing before her as she led her through the water, which was no longer so icy but now more lukewarm and comfortable. Familiar and yet, she knew she had never been here before. But it was comfortable.

Could she hear something in the distance? Something that sounded like Danger? She couldn't remember where she was before this, but maybe that had something to do with it--

_**don't pay attention to that. don't worry about it. i wont let anything get to you. i promise.** _

_**p** romise?_

“Yes.” Kiyoko's voice was barely above a whisper, no longer an echo in her mind that she didn't even realize was a thing until this very moment. Everything felt so bizarre and dreamlike but--

_safe_

_“_ Safe?”

Kiyoko was still smiling, pressed close to Hitoka and she began to move her in a slow dance in the water. It was soft and calm and warm. “Safe,” she responded, a small puff of air in Hitoka's ear. She let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding, felt her shoulders relax as she rested her head against Kiyoko's chest and felt her fingers sift through her hair. She was humming, rocking her in their little dance. “You don't have to be afraid here, Hitoka. I have you, and I brought you here to be okay.” _**just stay with me and i'll protect you.**_

_...i think i believe you?_

And she did, which was the wild thing. It was hard to believe things could ever be okay for her a majority of the time, but in Kiyoko's arms, with Kiyoko's scent, with her soft skin, with her everything, she could believe she was okay, maybe.

“I can't believe how much I'm in love with you,” Hitoka confessed, mumbling into the fabric of Kiyoko's blouse.

“I'm glad, because I'm very much in love with you, too,” Kiyoko said, still threading through Hitoka's hair. She pressed a kiss to the top of her head, inhaling softly. “You are so wonderful and sweet. I want to give you everything.”

“M-me, too!” Hitoka pulled away to look up at her.

y _ou deserve so much and i want to give it all to you and more!_

Kiyoko looked a little startled, surprised, a pretty blush on her cheeks. “It's okay if you allow yourself to be weak. This is for you, and for you to be at peace. You don't have to make me promises here, if you are not feeling strong enough for the conviction.” _**though you are one of the strongest people i know.**_

Hitoka shook her head, biting her lip. “I'm better now! A-and I mean it _(i think)_. I really do. I want to protect you, too. I-I may not be very good at it, b-but I want to try.”

Kiyoko let out a laugh, utter delight spilling into the air, bright in the dark of the sea they stood in, and twirled Hitoka through the water. Hitoka couldn't help but laugh with her, the water soothing against her legs and Kiyoko, an actual angel, before her, with her, holding her.

_**i love you more than i could ever say!** _

“I want to show you something.” Kiyoko stopped them, placed her hands over Hitoka's eyes. “Close your eyes, but _look._ ”

“What?”

“Keep your eyes closed, but make the effort to look. Try to open your mind. Look at the colours.”

“It's already dark, Kiyoko.”

_**look** _

She looked, eyes closed.

A small gasp came from her lips as she could _feel_ more than _see,_ soft colours before her, around her. Soft and gentle and warm.

_**this is my love.** _

_i-it's beautiful._

They swirled, in the very water Hitoka stood in.

_where are we, really?_

_**i brought you into my heart, hitoka.**_

“I wanted to share this with you, and I know I cannot erase any doubts that you have, but I feel like this is a good start to show you the sincerity in my feelings. Because I know you wont always believe it, because your mind wont let you, but I can at least give you this.”

There were so many colours, and Hitoka had no idea that that's what she was standing in this whole time.

_how did you do this? how is this possible?_

_**i borrowed you through a dream.**_

That didn't make a lot of sense, but everything was so... sweet, and wonderful, Hitoka decided not to overthink it. “I like it here,” she said quietly, putting her own hands over Kiyoko. “I-I'm so glad you showed this to me. I think I might--”

But she was already crying, silent tears and tingling nose and she felt like the emotions in her chest were going to overcome her, because her beloved, coveted girlfriend loved her so much and she could _feel it._ She could feel it all around her and her cries became sobs, relief and love and disbelief pouring from her. Kiyoko pulled her back into her arms, holding her tightly, holding her up and rocking her gently.

_**i know, my love. i know.** _

_everything is so much. my heart is going to explode._

It was such a relief to be here, where she didn't have to worry about anything and she could feel how much Kiyoko loved her and it was so overwhelming, but in a good way, in a way that didn't make her want to make herself bleed, suffer, hurt, _punish herself for breathing._ It was just so unbearably _exhausting_ and she felt like, here, she could rest.

“You are more than welcome to.” A wave of calm washed over Hitoka, emanating from Kiyoko, and a hush came over her crying. She sniffled, no longer sobbing, nuzzled into Kiyoko's neck.

“Sorry.”

“You don't need to apologize. I promise, it's alright. I brought you here for you, for yourself.”

“You--”

_you always manage to make me feel safe._

_**thank goodness. that is all i want for you.**_

_**i love you so so very much, with all of my heart.** _

_thank god for you._

This world seemed to close in a little, feel smaller but not-- not claustrophobic. Just... more secure. Like a hug?

“Something like that, yes.”

_i like it._

It was like the world was closing around them even tighter, comfortably so. Hitoka felt so very tired, like she'd worn herself out.

“That's okay. If you want to sleep, it's okay.”

“Aren't we already in a dream?”

_**every day with you feels like a dream.** _

“Even so, sometimes, even in our dreams, we need to rest. I will watch over you. Please, rest.”

The world was even smaller, warm like blankets and skin. Hitoka felt herself melt into the warmth.

 

Outside, Kiyoko was holding Hitoka close to her in their bed, their breathing completely even and synced up. They lay skin against skin, a soft blanket wrapped around them. They both slept, and dreamt of peace.

 

 

 


End file.
